Making this Toot public because my thoughts on this have strayed from personal stuff and started being maybe useful in general. Please Boost if so inclined.
It is interesting that Wikipedia says that nobody really knows what PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) is caused by, but can possibly be a way autism and possibly ADHD manifests.
I don't feel it's connected to my autism directly. At all.
Intuitively, I feel like it stems from the fact that as a kid, I was extremely good at some things, and struggled heavily with others. And everyone always focused on things I was effortlessly good at and failed to help with things I struggled with.
Like, I could read at the age of three or so. In school I was, for a time, years ahead of my peers. It was easy. It was fun. And it got me a lot of praise.
By contrast, I struggled to make simple phone calls. I learnt how to use the school library super late, and never really did it, to the point it was a barrier as late as when I was in uni. Me, a person who had read more by the age of twelve than most people read in a lifetime.
I struggled with social cues and getting along with kids my age. I struggled with bullies and with getting adults to even half-assedly intervene.
You know what it led to? Things that I found to be easy, things I didn't initially were a big deal, things that I did for fun, were things that mattered to others and impressed them. Things that I put effort into and should logically be proud of, nobody noticed or helped with.
I am certain I developed an association with things having value when they were done effortlessly. *I* only had value when things came easy for me. Effort and struggle were shameful. Talent mattered and work didn't. Intelligence mattered and dedication didn't.
It had other consequences than PDA. By my twenties, I rejected being the brainy, intellectual, cold and rational self. I rejected being, as I put it then (and still do), "a brain on legs". Being told "you're so smart" has felt like an insult for years. I've heard it so much. I never heard praise for the things I was proud of being.
But another side of it is... how could I *not* have PDA? Things that I found easy I was both resented and envied for. Expressing that I found something easy was always met with accusations of being arrogant and smart. Expressing pride in accomplishments that were big for me but came as natural as breathing for others was meant with the same accusations but also bafflement that I found them to be accomplishments. From other kids sure, but also from adults.
I am no psychologist but I'm 99% convinced my PDA is because I associate things taking effort with them being worthless. I associate struggling WITH being worthless.
It doesn't matter what I accomplish. It only counts as an accomplishment if it was easy.
That's where I see the roots of my PDA. Not in autism. Not in ADHD. But in what the world's *reactions* to my struggles with both have always been.
It's not autism that's linked with my PDA. It's the trauma. It's just correlated with autism because autistic people often have trauma.
That's my take.
#neurodivergent #ActuallyAutistic #trauma