What’s one thing that would instantly improve your city?
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Affordable Rockets to Dump All Our Trash on Venus
The Ministry of Satirical Affairs’ Science & Technology Division is already working to achieve a breakthrough that could improve all cities on Earth simultaneously.
Affordable rockets for garbage disposal.
Moving trash from our houses to the dumping ground outside the city involves trucks, fuel, roads, traffic and carbon accounting.
Just imagine if we had affordable rockets that could move our garbage outside the Earth.
Preferably Venus.
The Municipal Benefits
- Garbage trucks will travel less.
- Less fossil fuel will be burnt by garbage trucks.
- Dumping grounds can transform into green pastures.
- Revolutionary trash compactors will get a sales boost.
- The space-startup ecosystem will receive a major boost.
- Elon Musk could eventually become the world’s richest municipal sanitation contractor.
And perhaps the best part: finally, there will be no guilt in carrying polythene bags.
You aren’t carrying them to a landfill anymore.
You’re carrying them to Venus.
Next revolution will be The Trash Revolution
Why Venus?
It has no residents. No Resident Welfare Associations. No citizen groups. No environmental NGOs. No local elections.
Venus is also extremely hot.
The Ministry therefore expects the garbage to receive a suitably warm welcome.
The Carbon Credit Advantage
The Ministry is studying whether this approach could involve fewer carbon credits.
Garbage trucks will travel less, while rockets will use a different kind of fuel.
The exact calculation is under progress.
The Ministry is confident that the numbers will eventually become favourable.
The numbers are being encouraged.
Disposable or Reusable?
The cost-benefit analysis is comparing two options.
A. Disposable rockets:
Launch the garbage and let the rocket crash into Venus.
B. Reusable rockets:
Take the garbage to Venus, return to Earth and collect another load.
The Ministry will select whichever option is more affordable.
Prototype Testing
Next year, citizens can look forward to a spectacular meteor shower when the Ministry begins prototype testing of reusable trash rockets.
During the initial phase, some garbage will be dumped in Earth’s outer space.
This is only prototype testing.
The Ministry assures citizens that the garbage will eventually reach Venus.
Subject to successful navigation.
What About Space Debris?
Some experts have raised concerns about space debris.
The Ministry sees an opportunity.
Earth’s gravity could eventually turn some of this debris into a Saturn-like ring around our planet.
A complementary planetary upgrade.
new planetary feature made from humanity’s trash
Any debris that escapes Earth’s gravity can simply join the millions of asteroids already floating around the solar system.
There is plenty of space.
Environmental Objections
Environmentalists and citizen groups may have concerns. But they will find no ground to protest.
The entire operation will happen in space.
The Ministry’s Conclusion
Humanity has spent decades trying to solve the garbage problem on Earth.
Perhaps we have been thinking too locally.
Why manage waste better when we can simply increase the distance between ourselves and the waste?
Cleaner cities.
Greener dumping grounds.
More rockets.
And eventually, a slightly more cluttered solar system.
The future of municipal waste management is interplanetary.
Ministry End Note
Why have we not patented this revolutionary idea?
Because waste colonialism already exists
We simply want to take it one step further—from dumping garbage in poorer countries to dumping it on another planet.
If following traffic rules makes cities better, perhaps not following them has benefits too. Ministry of Satirical Affairs has already examined the productivity gains of wrong-side driving. Read the Ministry’s findings in “Wrong-Side Driving: A Productivity Report.”
Travellers Maximus: The Species That Knows Everyone
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Observations from the Field
The Ministry recently encountered an important question:
What’s the best way to meet new people while traveling?
After reviewing available documentary evidence, the Ministry has reached a definitive conclusion:
Become a vlogger.
The Ministry has identified a highly social species known as Travellers Maximus.
This species travels extensively and appears to know everyone.
Flight attendants. Hotel receptionists. Bellboys. Cab drivers. Souvenir shop owners. Random people encountered on the street.
Almost nobody escapes documentation.
Anyone they meet is a potential subscriber—either voluntarily or following a brief but highly persuasive subscription ceremony.
But Travellers Maximus possesses another remarkable ability:
Reality Shaping
An ordinary location can become “the most incredible hidden gem on Earth.”
A perfectly good location can become “highly overrated.”
The location remains unchanged.
The narrative does not.
Hello GUYYYYYS!
The Ministry therefore advises tourism boards and travel-related businesses to maintain cordial relations with influential specimens.
They possess the social-media clout to turn a dull destination into paradise—or paradise into a disappointment—with nothing more than a camera and an opinion.
Special Mention: Gastronomus Maximus
Commonly known as food bloggers.
This closely related species travels in search of food, fearlessly consumes almost anything, and subsequently issues a public verdict on whether humanity should consume it too.
Oye Hoye! Delicious
The Ministry continues to monitor this branch of the species with considerable interest—and occasional indigestion.
Conclusion:
According to the available evidence, the best way to meet new people while travelling is apparently not to travel more.
Just start recording.
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