Family dialogue and its impact on home stability
ما الدولة التي تتصدر قائمة أمنياتك للسفر؟Affection and mercy are not built by shouting, insults, arrogance, or closing doors, but rather by kind words, listening, understanding, apologizing, and gentleness.
[h2]Family dialogue and its impact on home stability
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First sermon
Praise be to God who guided us to this, and we would not have been guided if God had not guided us. I bear witness that there is no god but God alone, without partner, the Guardian of the righteous. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger, whom God sent as a mercy to the worlds. May God’s peace and blessings be upon him, his family and companions, and may He grant them abundant peace until the Day of Judgment.
Now then:
So I advise you, O servants of God, and myself, to fear God Almighty, for fearing God is the best provision, and it is God’s commandment to the first and the last. He, the Exalted, said: “ And We have already instructed those who were given the Scripture before you and yourselves to fear God ” [An-Nisa: 131].
Dear brothers, our discussion in these few minutes is about a great topic that we are in dire need of, namely: family dialogue, its importance and conditions.
How many problems have arisen in homes, and how many disputes have occurred between spouses, and between parents and children, and how many of these problems have ended in divorce, estrangement, disobedience, or the loss of children! One of the greatest reasons for this is the absence of dialogue, the lack of listening, and leaving each member of the family to live far from the concerns and problems of the other.
Dialogue is the exchange of views on a specific topic between two or more parties, in order to reach a specific goal, or a correct conviction, or a solution that pleases God Almighty.
O servants of God, if dialogue exists between husband and wife, between father and his children, between children and their parents, and between all members of the family, it will bring about reassurance, stability, trust, affection, mercy, harmony, and good upbringing.
No house is free from problems, and no family is free from mistakes or disagreements; even the house of the Prophet, the house of the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, had issues and situations, but the solution was gentleness, wisdom, dialogue, and good handling.
God Almighty said: “ And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy .” [Ar-Rum: 21]
Affection and mercy are not built by shouting, insults, arrogance, or closing doors, but rather by kind words, listening, understanding, apologizing, and gentleness.
O believers, one of the greatest examples of successful dialogue is what happened between the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, and the Ansar, may God be pleased with them, after the Battle of Hunayn.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) gave some of the spoils of war to those whose hearts were to be won over (to Islam), but he gave nothing to the Ansar (Helpers of Medina), which caused some of them to feel resentful. When this reached the Messenger of God (peace and blessings be upon him), he did not become angry like a tyrant, nor did he say, “How dare you speak? Who are you to object?” Rather, he gathered them together, discussed the matter with them, and persuaded them to accept his decision.
On the authority of Abdullah bin Zaid, may God be pleased with him, he said: When God granted victory to His Messenger, may God bless him and grant him peace, on the day of Hunayn, he distributed among the people those whose hearts were to be won over, but he did not give anything to the Ansar. So it was as if they were upset that they did not receive what the people received, so he addressed them and said:
“O people of Ansar, did I not find you astray and Allah guided you through me? And were you not divided and Allah united you through me? And were you not poor and Allah enriched you through me?” They said: Allah and His Messenger are more generous and better. He said: “Are you not content that the people go with the sheep and the camel, and you go with the Messenger of Allah to your homes?” Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim.
And in another narration: that he, may God’s prayers and peace be upon him, said: “By God, if you wished, you could have said, and you would have been truthful and believed: You came to us as a liar, so we believed you; as one forsaken, so we supported you; as an outcast, so we sheltered you; as a needy person, so we provided for you.” Narrated by Muslim.
Then the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “O Allah, have mercy on the Ansar, the sons of the Ansar, and the sons of the sons of the Ansar.” (Agreed upon).
The Ansar, may God be pleased with them, wept and said: We are satisfied with the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, as our portion and share.
God is great!
This is dialogue: to listen, to gather, to explain, to make the person in front of you feel valued, and to address the problem with wisdom and compassion, not with oppression and humiliation.
O servants of God, one of the first conditions for successful dialogue is: accepting dialogue.
Do not dismiss your wife’s words simply because she is a woman, nor your son’s words simply because he is young. Do not say, “I am the father, I raised him, and I know better than all of you.” Your son may have a question, a doubt, a problem, or a concern that you are unaware of, and your wife may have a sound opinion, a helpful solution, or a perspective that you do not see.
One of the greatest pieces of evidence for this is what happened in the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, when the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, ordered his companions to slaughter and shave their heads, but they delayed because of the intense grief that afflicted them, and they did not do it at first.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) entered upon Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her), and she said: “O Messenger of Allah, do you like that? Go out and do not speak a word to any of them until you slaughter your sacrificial animal and call your barber to shave your head.” So the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) went out and did that. When the Companions saw this, they stood up and slaughtered their animals, and some of them began shaving each other’s heads. (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)
So look how the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, took the advice of Umm Salamah, may God be pleased with her, and in her opinion there was good, relief and a solution to the problem.
And in that is a lesson for the husband: Do not belittle your wife’s opinion, and do not say to her: Your only role is in the kitchen and raising the children! The woman may be more rational in a situation, calmer in her outlook, and better at assessing the consequences.
Brothers, one of the greatest things that helps in dialogue is for a person to be calm, and for his goal to be to reach the truth, not to win for himself.
God Almighty said: “ And speak good words to people ” [Al-Baqarah: 83].
And He, the Exalted, said: “ And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan sows discord among them .” [Al-Isra: 53]
So let the spouses, and the parents and children, beware of hurtful words, raising their voices, threatening, and bringing up past grievances; for Satan sows discord among people, fuels disputes, and turns a small word into a fire in the house.
I say this, and I ask God Almighty for forgiveness for myself and for you, so ask Him for forgiveness; He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.
Second sermon
Praise be to God alone, and peace and blessings be upon the one after whom there is no prophet. O Muslims, one of the greatest conditions for a successful dialogue is that it be calm, and that the other party be accepted even if he is wrong.
A young man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, grant me permission to commit adultery.” The people rebuked him, but the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Bring him closer.” So he came closer to him, and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to him:
“Would you like it for your mother?” He said: No, by God, may God make me your ransom. He said: “Nor do people like it for their mothers.”
He said: “Would you like it for your daughter?” He said: No, by God, O Messenger of God, may God make me your ransom. He said: “Nor do people like it for their daughters.”
Then he mentioned his sister, his paternal aunt, and his maternal aunt, and the young man said: No, by God, may God make me your ransom. So the Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him, placed his hand on him and said:
“O God, forgive his sin, purify his heart, and protect his chastity.”
The narrator said: After that, the boy paid no attention to anything.
It was narrated by Ahmad, and authenticated by Al-Albani in Al-Silsilah Al-Sahihah.
Look at this great prophetic dialogue: He did not expel him, nor did he expose him, nor did he insult him, nor did he say: How dare you say such a thing? Rather, he brought him closer, conversed with him, awakened his heart, addressed his mind, and then prayed for him.
O father, if your son comes to you with a wrong idea, do not respond with belittlement; rather, listen to him, discuss it with him, and explain it to him gently. And O mother, O husband, O wife: do not let a mistake be a reason to shut down communication, but rather let it be a door to correction and guidance.
O servants of God, among the etiquettes of dialogue is that it should be based on compassion and mercy.
Consider the dialogue between Abraham, peace be upon him, and his father, how he addressed him with the kindest words, even though his father was a polytheist who called for the worship of idols.
God Almighty said: “ O my father, do not worship Satan. Indeed, Satan has ever been disobedient to the Most Merciful . O my father, indeed I fear that a punishment from the Most Merciful will afflict you so you will be a companion to Satan .” [Maryam: 44-45]
What was the father’s answer?
He said, “ Are you turning away from my gods, O Abraham? If you do not desist, I will surely stone you, and leave me for a long time .” [Maryam: 46]
Despite this threat and this coldness, Abraham, peace be upon him, said: “ Peace be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you from my Lord. Indeed, He has always been kind to me .” [Maryam: 47]
O you who converse with your wife, O you who converse with your child, O you who converse with your brother: let there be mercy in your speech, and do not respond to wrong with wrong, nor to harshness with harshness, nor to anger with anger.
Among the etiquettes of dialogue are: not to hurt feelings, and not to remind people of their past if they have repented or reformed.
Consider the situation of Joseph, peace be upon him, with his brothers, after they threw him into the well, sold him for a paltry price, and separated him from his father for many years. When God reunited them, he did not reopen the wounds of the past, nor did he say: “You are the ones who did such and such to me.” Rather, he said: “ And He was gracious to me when He took me out of prison and brought you from the desert after Satan had sown discord between me and my brothers .” [Yusuf: 100]
Look at this great literature; he attributed the matter to the whisperings of Satan, and did not expose his brothers, nor did he mention the well, nor did he mention the sale, nor did he mention what they did to him.
So, whoever wants to fix his home: do not make every dialogue session a court of the past, and do not say to your wife: Do you remember the day you did such and such? And do not say to your husband: Do you remember the day you said such and such? And do not say to your brother: You ate my money, and you wronged me, and you did such and such to me twenty years ago!
If you want to make amends, then forgive and pardon, and seek your reward from God Almighty.
He, the Exalted, said: “ But whoever pardons and makes reconciliation – his reward is with Allah .” [Ash-Shura: 40]
And God Almighty said: “ Let them pardon and overlook. Do you not love that God should forgive you ?” [An-Nur: 22].
O believers, one of the most important conditions for family dialogue is that the father lives with his family, checks on their well-being, and asks them about their problems.
It is not enough for a man to come home late, after the children have gone to sleep, and then leave in the morning before they wake up, and then expect to have righteous and upright sons, righteous daughters, and a stable home!
Children need their father; they need his presence, his questions, his smile, his advice, his attention, and his conversation.
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him), the leader of the nation, used to check on his wives and visit them. Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said: “When the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) finished the afternoon prayer, he would go around to his wives, approaching them and inquiring about their well-being.” (Agreed upon).
If the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, despite his great responsibilities, allocated a portion of his time to his family, then what about us?
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be asked about his flock. A man is a shepherd in his household and is responsible for his flock.” (Agreed upon).
O servants of God, let each one of us examine himself: How does he converse with his wife? How does he converse with his children? Does he listen to them? Does he get close to them? Does he know their problems? Does he open the door for them to talk? Does he deal with the mistake gently and wisely? Or is the house full of silence, or shouting, or estrangement, or intimidation?
O God, set right our homes, set right our spouses and offspring, unite our hearts, and make our homes full of faith, affection, and mercy.
O God, grant us good speech, good listening, good treatment, and good upbringing.
O God, make us keys to good and locks against evil.
Send prayers and peace upon the one whom God commanded you to pray for and send peace upon, as He, the Exalted, said: “Indeed, God and His angels send blessings upon the Prophet. O you who have believed, send blessings upon him and peace upon him with a worthy greeting .” [Al-Ahzab: 56]
O Allah, send blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad, and upon his family and companions, all of them. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds.
